Now that VirtualBox 3.1.4 is out, I decided to try OSX. I would like to thank this thread on the VBox forums for a few hints on how to do this.

I am doing this on a Core 2 Duo. This should work on any processor that has at least SSE3.

These instructions are for people who are used to using VirtualBox.

You need:

1. At least VirtualBox 3.1.4
2. A Hackintosh ISO. I used iDeneb 1.6 Lite, which is based on OSX Leopard 10.5.8. Others may or may not work depending if they include the appropriate hacks.

Make a new virtual machine, set:

1. Set it for FreeBSD
2. With at least 1GB of memory
3. And at least 10GB of HD space

Set the additional settings of:

1. System->Motherboard->Enable IO APIC to on
2. Do NOT enable EFI, it is not complete enough for OSX yet
3. System->Processor->Processor(s) matching what you actually have
4. System->Processor->Enable PAE/NX to on
5. Display->Video->128MB of video memory, with 3D Acceleration enabled
6. Storage->IDE Controller->Type set to ICH6
7. Network->Adapter 1->Attached to Bridged Adapter, advanced->Intel PRO/1000 MT Desktop (NOT MT Server or T Server)

Exit VirtualBox, edit the XML definition for the machine. For me, and I named my machine OSX, this was under ~/.VirtualBox/Machines/OSX/OSX.xml. Add the line…

<ExtraDataItem name="VBoxInternal2/SupportExtHwProfile" value="on"/>

… inside the <ExtraData> block, and save it and restart VirtualBox.

Mount the iDeneb ISO inside your virtual machine, and start it up. Remember to press enter to start the CD on boot.

Use the disk utility to format your drive to HSF journaled. Select that drive in the installer and hit the customize button before installing.

Select the following options in the iDeneb OSx86 Components menu:

1. Kernel->Qoopz
2. Essential Patches->ACPI Fix
3. Essential Patches->PS/2 Drivers->ApplePS2 Old
4. Drivers->Chipset->ICHx Fixed

Now, just install. This takes about 20 minutes.

To get network working after boot, go into the client’s menu while running and do Devices->Network Adapters, uncheck Cable connected, hit okay, go back in, and check Cable connected. After that OSX will connect to the network, and you have to do this every time you boot.

Sound cannot be fixed at the current time: VirtualBox’s AC97 emulation supports a version of ICH AC97 too old for the popular third party AppleAC97Audio.kext to support. Hopefully VirtualBox will get a HDA emulation, which will improve chances of being emulated correctly.

2D speed seems to be pretty fast without specific drivers, although some operations will be noticeably slow. I wish there was a specific video driver for this.

This is followed by a recommendation that I retain an attorney to represent me. And then, I swear to friggin God, there’s a list of my assets with an estimated value for each and I suppose the implied threat that I stand to lose them. Which kinda scares the living shit out of me, to be honest, since they’ve got a pretty thorough list, which means they’ve been doing some research on this and the offer didn’t just come out of thin air. Their lists includes my home address, most recent assessed value of my house and all the information about my mortgage; a rental property that we own; my bank accounts and investment accounts, including the college funds for our kids, whose names are used; and our boat and two cars.

You know what, Real Steve Jobs? Up yours. You should be so damned lucky to have someone like the Fake Steve Jobs (aka Daniel Lyons) to be the bizzaro version of you. Hell, if I was in the same position, I’d fucking hire him and put him on the payroll just to continue doing it.

And I fucking quote, “I have read a few of the Fake Steve Jobs things recently and I think they’re pretty funny.” You know who said that, Real Steve Jobs? You did!

Hey Daniel, if Steve does sue you, I’ll donate to your legal fund if you so decide to start one.

Enclosure: My old drive is now in an Icydock MB663UB 2.5″ enclosure, and through Newegg right now its $8.99 total until December 31st. The enclosure is basically a box of high grade aluminum, with no wiggle room inside (touches drive on all four sides), and is only a tiny bit longer than the drive itself. Although it has a built in 2 inch USB cable, it also comes with a two-headed several foot cable for non-mobile applications (or for drives that won’t spinup in under 500mA). Its the best HD enclosure I’ve ever owned, in my opinion.

Memory: I’ve upgraded the Powerbook’s memory from 1GB to 2GB, and I have to say, Leopard runs a lot smoother… not that it is noticeably slower than Tiger, but its like a new machine with more memory. Between the new HD and the more memory, booting takes about half the time (not that I often do that, sleep is damned useful). 2GB is the maximum on these Powerbooks, otherwise I would have gone for more.

VNC: Leopard 10.5.1 has “fixed” the VNC bug to an extent… connecting with x2vnc no longer makes AppleVNCServer crash, but it just makes it chew all available CPU time and barely work. This does not happen using an normal VNC user (less than 10% CPU time on average), but I expect x2vnc is doing something weird that it should be.

Smallest USB hub: Powerbooks only have 2 USB ports, and I have at least three devices I want to plug into it… so I bought a hub just for the Powerbook: a hub that happens to be smaller than 2 by 2 by 0.5 inches, Targus ACH63US Super Mini Hub. I mean, this thing is damned tiny… its so small, that you could throw it into your spaghetti nest behind your computer and not even know you have a hub. It may be a tad expensive, but I didn’t want yet another box hiding on my desk somewhere… instead, I have it tucked behind my printer (which already has too much stuff behind it). The hub also comes with a two headed cable like the Icydock did, but the heads are far enough apart that they can reach both USB plugs on my Powerbook (one is on one side, one is on the other, instead of both being on the same side… Powerbooks don’t have rear ports).

Oh ho ho! The hub arrived half dead (which soon became totally dead), and Targus is giving me shit over having the hub replaced under warranty.

Any image that does not have a profile is not color managed. I mean, it is completely ignored: in my case, I profiled my Powerbook’s LCD using a Spyder2Pro colorimeter. Using the “2.2 gamma 6500k” profile generated by the Spyder2 software, the desktop background image “Purple Frond” that comes with OSX is actually displayed bluish in color because Apple did not embed profiling data in their background images.

I randomly came across the reason for this because I was editing a different background to fit my monitor differently than the automatic modes did. After saving in Photoshop (which was nice enough to include the sRGB color profile in the JPEG), the colors were different.. or rather, they were correct, matching what Photoshop displayed. Double checking against “Purple Frond” by opening it and saving it in Photoshop with the sRGB color profile makes it correctly display purple instead of blue on my desktop.

The correct behavior of ColorSync should be to assume the data is sRGB and color manage it as such, instead of just not color managing it at all. Many images found on the Internet are “broken” and do not have the proper color profile set, but are obviously sRGB data.

Update: The desktop background is set by Dock, apparently. Set your desktop background to “Change picture every… (time period)” with “Random order”, and run killall Dock in Terminal.app… Dock will automatically restart and change your desktop background.

That said, the upgrade process went smoothly. Upgrading only took about an hour and a half, and only a few things broke. Three of the major ones are MacFUSE (which I use for SSHFS instead of OSX’s native Samba support), Synergy (which I use instead of X2VNC to remove control my Powerbook, because X2VNC still crashes OSX’s VNC server, even in Leopard, even though I’ve already reported this security bug to Apple and they have acknowledged it), and SideTrack (which I use to enable tap-to-click and drag-to-mousewheel-scroll on the trackpad).

MacFUSE can be fixed with a newly built version for Leopard, but neither Synergy2 nor SideTrack have been fixed (and I’m betting its from the same bug, the input subsystem in OSX has been changed a lot since 10.4).

I don’t care for the transparent menubar, as it makes it harder to read it when using dark backgrounds, such as 10.5′s nebula. The dock in horizontal mode looks kind of cheezy with the 3D look, but I use the dock in vertical mode so it doesn’t bother me. The ability for the dock to display the contents of folders is very useful, and I’ve been wanting that for awhile.

Spaces (ie, OSX virtual desktops) is also something I’ve been wanting for awhile because I use virtual desktops on Linux to organize my workflow in multiple tasks. I don’t have another hard drive to use with Time Machine, so I haven’t tested it yet, but it looks very nifty.

OSX 10.5 and all the stuff I usually have open all the time (such as Safari and X-Chat) seem to use less memory than before (and I was using Safari 3 Beta beforehand, so its not that). Boot and shutdown times seem to be the same (although hard testing by other people have proved 10.5 to be a tiny bit slower than 10.4, but not enough to care about).

All OSX apps use the same consistent look which has been irking me for awhile, and they’ve finally dropped the brushed metal look in exchange for just shaded grays. Since GMail now supports IMAP, I get to play with the new improved Mail.App, and it seems to be vastly improved since the last time I played with it.

Update: To use use IMAP on GMail, do not use the “automatically configure” option in Mail.app, uncheck that and select the IMAP account options manually.

Update 2: Without being able to archive mail, or single click delete all spam, or anything like that, Mail.app sucks. I’m going to stick with the GMail web UI.

A screaming fast 1.25ghz G4, combined with 1GB of memory, a 60GB drive, a 15″ 1280×854 screen, and OSX 10.4.

For $550.

Compared to a Dell Latitude, a Lenovo Thinkpad T61, a just born Apple Macbook Pro, or any of the other numerios options out there, this Powerbook won. Of all the things it doesn’t meet on my requirement list, such as the screen resolution, or the speed, or the maximum memory (2GB, by the way), it makes up for the fact it cost roughly 1/6th of the laptops it was competing against.

Now, I’m not saying a brand new laptop that only cost $550 would be viable, because it isn’t. No company’s cheapest configured laptop is worth the money in any way, but for this Powerbook it managed to beat every other laptop I configured to meet specifications because it cost so little.

I always thought the whole “Macs have an extremely high resell value” rumor wasn’t true, but now I really do think its true: take any other 3 year old laptop and try to, say, eBay it, and you’ll lucky if you get $500 for it. Similarly configured Powerbooks I’ve seen go on eBay for $1000, in fact, I got a really good deal on this.

Hey Steve Jobs, if you’re reading, you can pat yourself on the back now: I bought a Mac. It might not be a new one, but it’s a Mac.

My first experience with owning a Mac

This is more of an assorted list of thoughts than anything else.

• The dock goes on the left, since I have horizontal space to spare due to the wide screen.
• Quicksilver is needed so you don’t have to click three times (Finder in the dock, Applications, the chosen application) to start an app that isn’t in the dock already.
• Safari doesn’t support tabs yet; I installed Firefox. Update: Okay, so I have to turn them on. Safari still doesn’t support the Foxmarks, del.icio.us, StumbleUpon and 4chan extensions.
• Safari is very very fast.
• Having a built in VNC server so I can remote control it to act as a dual monitor environment in conjunction with my workstation (via x2vnc) is nice.
• x2vnc crashes said VNC server.
• Having a power plug that lights up is very nifty.
• Being able to sleep (which uses virtually no power) and return from sleep within 2 seconds is nifty.
• Having a light on the front of the Powerbook that says it is sleeping instead of off is nifty.
• Easy to setup WiFi, even though I use WPA2, is nifty.
• Democracy is nifty.
• Not having to startup a Windows VMware machine to run iTunes, Adobe Photoshop, or Starcraft is nifty.
• Not having the blasted window list taking up room at the bottom of the screen in addition of no way to not lose minimized windows; minimized windows hit the dock as icons, and apps themselves don’t even need windows to stay open.
• Having a *nix other than Linux is nifty.
• Having a functioning Objective-C/NextStep environment other than GNUstep is nifty.
• Not wasting room on redundant window menus; the Mac way of putting it at the top of the screen works better.
• Not needing a third party app to do Expose like I do with a Beryl function on Linux.
• Not needing Beryl.
• Extremely fast startups in the few cases I actually have to reboot.
• Battery charge lights that shine through holes on the bottom of the case are nifty.
• For a three year old laptop, the LCD screen is bright, reproduces colors reasonably well, has good contrast, and has dark blacks.
• It can almost play back 720p H.264 content without frame-dropping I suspect the 1.67ghz G4 can get away with it better, or at least drop a lot less frames.
• No damned disc tray for the DVD drive, and the disc goes in the front.
• No rear ports, all are on the sides.
• A DVI port instead of a VGA one, nifty.
• A Firewire port, nifty.
• A terminal that uses a sane shell is nifty.
• Apps are installed by dragging an icon to the Application folder from a mounted virtual image is nifty, though it took me a few seconds to realize thats what I was supposed to do.
• To delete an app, I just delete the app out of the Application folder instead of doing whatever it is I’m supposed to do on Windows.
• I’m going to have to buy a new Wacom pad because mine is so old it uses serial, and OSX doesn’t support serial ones even if you have a USB->serial interface.

Since I’ve only had this Powerbook for two days, thats all the stuff I’ve noticed so far, though finding a bug in the VNC server is a little disconcerting. In the mean time, I’m using Synergy2 to remote control the Powerbook, so shit hasn’t gone totally wrong. So yeah, I’m very happy with my Mac, but before anyone asks, that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop using Linux as my primary desktop.

I asked for, among other things, 1920×1200 LED-backlit screens, Santa Rosa, a large 4200 or 5400 rpm drive (although, it was meant to be paired with some flash cache technology), 4 gigabytes of memory, and a DX10 capable 3D chip…

The new Macbook Pros that just came out today with those features, and the 17″ models have the 1920×1200 screens optional. Whats missing is Leopard, a flash cache to go with the drive, and the memory itself isn’t 800mhz but 667 (not that big of an issue, the amount is more important than the speed).

Configured to meet my specifications, a 17″ Macbook Pro is about $3,700. Due to recent events (which I will blog about, but it does contain a Mac), I will probably wait until MBPs ship with flash caches and Leopord (800mhz is probably going to be in the next refresh as Apple runs out of 667 stock).

Oh, and Steve Jobs? Thanks, I think.

I’ve known of Apple since I was a child. One of the first computers I used was an Apple //e with it’s little monochrome screen. I’ve watched Macs come into the world, I’ve watched PowerMacs come into the world, and I’ve watched iPods and the new Macintels come into the world. I am now watching the iPhone take it’s first baby steps into the world. I have even written about Apple, both positive and negative, on my blog. Last but not least, I have seen people enjoy Apple products.

I’ve seen other companies fail where Apple managed to pull it off. I’ve seen Apple create new products that no one has produced before, or at least, didn’t get right before (the iPod wasn’t the first, but it was the first that actually got it right). And in my entire life, I’ve never owned an Apple product.

So, I’ve decided that I want to finally join the Cult of Mac and buy a Macbook Pro sometime in the next 6 months. Please release a model that contains the following items and/or features:

• LED-backlit LCD to improve power efficiency, lower heat output, increase color vibrancy and brightness, darken blacks, and increase contrast.
• Said LCD panel should be available in 1920×1080/1920×1200 resolution. I do not care if it is 15 or 17″, however manufacturers are currently shipping panels with that resolution in both sizes.
• Either Intel’s new solid state cache module, or a hard drive with built-in hybrid technology.
• A large 5400 or 4200rpm drive as an option, which in theory should boot faster than a 7200rpm drive without a solid state cache, yet use far less power, make less noise, and be less expensive.
• Intel’s new Santa Rosa platform.
• The option of 4 gigabytes or more of 800mhz RAM to go with said Santa Rosa Core 2 Duo.
• A WiFi chipset that can be software upgraded to spec-N when the 802.11N specification is finally released sometime next year; this does not, however, mean I want a new chipset if the current pre-N ones now shipping will work properly with spec-N.
• A 3D accelerator that, on a PC, could be described as DX10 compatible: Nvidia’s, ATI’s, or even Intel’s if their new DX10 chip doesn’t suck.
• Leopard.
• Even after all these features, I also want a total powered-by-battery time longer than the previous Macbook Pro model; however, this should be easier due to the backlight using less power, the CPU being able to idle more efficiently, and the optional slower drive using less power when spun up.

You may consider my request odd and specific, however I would like my first real Mac experience to be enjoyable and fruitful. Please consider my request.

However, do not misunderstand: this is not an ultimatum. Even if the Macbook Pros coming around the corner do not include all of these options, I will still consider one as my next laptop. I am simply giving you first chance at my business before everyone else gets a chance.

Signed,
        Patrick McFarland

It is now time to buy a new keyboard.

So far I’ve looked at…

1. Das Keyboard II, $89.95. Even though I’ve been touch typing ever since I was 12, the blank keys are creepy. Although, it uses Cherry key switches, so those shouldn’t wear down… ever.
2. Unicomp SpaceSaver, $69. Unicomp is the old IBM PC keyboard division that made the classic Model M keyboard that is so famous. This model is a modernized PS/2 style version that works like the original Model Ms including the same clicky key switches, which like the Cherry switches, they should never wear out.
3. One of the more interesting entries, the Kinesis Advantage, $299, is one of those new age anti-RSI keyboards that are supposed to decrease wear on your fingers while increasing usefulness. I actually like the way this keyboard is designed, but I’d like to use one before buying one.
4. Fujitsu’s Happy Hacking series, the Professional version at $259 (uses clicky switchs), and the new Lite2 version at $69 (uses dome switches). I don’t like how they aren’t full keyboards, but they’re well respected and I know a few people who own them. Both Pro and Lite2 are available in versions with and without blank keys.
5. Logitech G15, $99.99. Uglier than sin, virtually useless LCD screen, and the keys light up. It may not be possible to find a more riced up keyboard. The G11 is the same thing but without the LCD. The only thing that this keyboard series has that is useful is the macro keys, but if they don’t send actual keysyms (instead performing the function in the keyboard hardware) then those are useless. I most likely will not buy the G11 or G15.
6. Matias Tactile Pro 2, $149, a keyboard based on the old Apple Extended Keyboard using clicky switches. Honestly, I like the idea of the optimizer function Matias has on their keyboards, but I’d rather implement it in software by hijacking the caps lock key as the modifier instead. I probably won’t buy it because of the unconfigurable optimizer mode.

So, my readership, which keyboard should I get? Suggest one not on the list, and I’ll consider it as well.

The Universal Serial Bus, or USB, is right now the most common serial peripheral bus in existence. Allowing all the most common devices to connect to your computer, to each other, through hubs, and now even wireless USB has become the dominant method of low bandwidth communications between devices and their peripherals.

However, USB is not without flaws, in fact, it has tons of issues that other less accepted standards have already solved, and USB has either not solved them or solved them only recently. One of those problems is that, although USB does provide electrical power to peripherals, it is rarely enough to run devices that suck juice like no tomorrow. Powered USB exists to solve this problem.

I will tell you why Powered USB will never be widely accepted, and also why we need it. However, to do so, this article is split into two three parts: the first part discusses the history of USB and previous peripheral ports, and why it it became widely accepted, the second part contains the meat of my argument on why Powered USB is both needed, yet failing to be accepted, and the third part describes a possible future USB 3 specification in detail.

This is part 1. Part 2 is available here, and part 3 is available here.

Short History of Common Yet Totally Incompatible Peripheral Bus Implementations

Way back at the beginning of time, before Pentiums, before laptops, even before CDs, there was the IBM PC. Although not the first of its kind, it was the first home computer that took off, and along side it riding the new technology boom was the Apple II.

That said, the IBM PC had something unique for its day: a keyboard that wasn’t built into the case. The plug this keyboard used was typically called the AT keyboard port¹, named after the IBM PC-AT family of computers. This plug was about a half an inch in diameter, round, and had 5 pins.

This wasn’t the only peripheral socket that IBM PCs had. Some had serial ports (using the RS-232 9-pin or 25-pin standards) going by the name of COM ports. Also featured on some IBM PCs was the Centronics parallel port (using a DB-25 style plug) going by the name of LPT or Printer ports.

So, now, we have three plugs on the IBM PC: one for your keyboard, one for low bandwidth devices (such as dial-up modems and mice when they came into the picture), and one for high bandwidth devices (such as printers, or Iomega Zip drives and external CD burners when those showed up). Does it end there? No.

A bit of time later, Creative Labs added a Joystick/MIDI dual function port on their SoundBlaster series of sound cards. IBM added a new pair of ports called PS/2 ports that used two small quarter-inch 6 pin plugs for the keyboard and mouse (replacing the AT keyboard and serial mouse combo). External SCSI showed up allowing SCSI drives in special external enclosures, and even some document scanners used SCSI as well.

Notice up to this point I have only written about the IBM PC. The Apple II I mentioned earlier had it’s own series of plugs that served the same exact functions. Apple II series computers had serial ports (not including the standard RS-232 serial ports which were compatible), ports for external floppy drives, ports for joysticks, ports for external hard drives. Macs shipped with the Apple Desktop Bus (ADB) for keyboards and mice, and the Apple IIGS shipped with ADB ports as well (in fact, before Macs did, although the Mac design team invented ADB).

None of the ports on the same machine were compatible with each other, and (except for external SCSI and RS-232 serial) none of the ports that served the same function that were used on IBM PCs and Apple computers were compatible with each other either. Confusing, isn’t it?

So, by the mid 1990s, there were a multitude of plugs all serving essentially the same tasks over and over, and all of them doing it incompatibly. USB was born for one specific purpose: to get rid of all these different ports and combine them into one big peripheral plug standard.

One Port To Rule Them All

In 1996, the USB Working Group brought forth USB, the best thing to happen to computer peripheral design in a long time, and within 5 years most if not all of the devices I mentioned before were using USB. You could get keyboards, mice, joysticks, printers, scanners, external media drives, external hard drives, dial-up modems, and a hundred other things with USB plugs.

Now you could build a computer with only two or three kinds of plugs and never have to worry about how to explain to your grandmother what the difference between SCSI and PS/2 is and why she can’t plug her new printer into either of them.

By 1998, all Apple Macintoshes² were also shipping with USB, and they dropped the legacy ADB design as well. By 2000, some computers were shipping with hardly any legacy ports at all, and laptops went down to the bare minimum of two or four USB plugs with a parallel port (due to the corporate world still having tons of really old printers and that they wouldn’t replace until they stopped functioning) and sometimes PS/2 plugs if you were lucky.

The USB designers did foresee you wanting to use your old devices, however: there are USB converters for parallel port, serial port, PS/2 port, and SoundBlaster joystick devices so you never have to leave devices behind if you don’t want to. In addition, there are port converters for almost any other simple type of device out there, so USB really opened the doors for this sort of thing; the icing on the cake, of course, was when someone made converters to turn controllers from virtually any classic or current game system into USB gamepads.

USB Fixed Problems

USB solved a very important problem: we had too many competing plug designs. Not only was it confusing for end users, it was costly. Why have six plugs of all unique designs, when you can have six plugs of all the same superior design?

USB also solved another very important problem: when you have four plugs, you will have eight or more devices to plug in. The USB standard added concentrator hubs to allow the end user to plug a bunch of devices into a single plug and have all the devices work normally.

USB, while on a roll, partially fixed a third very important problem: some devices require a small amount of power, and it’s a hassle to run yet another cable to an AC adapter (for laptops in the field, this wouldn’t even be possible). USB provides some power to devices, up to a half an amp at 5 volts. You can run almost anything on this except traditionally large devices like printers, some scanners, external media drives, and hard drive enclosures³; those require external power supplies. In addition, though this wasn’t intended when the USB Working Group designed USB, some devices recharge their batteries via USB, including a brand of AA batteries that they themselves recharge over USB.

This partial fix of the third problem is where Powered USB comes in.

Read part 2.

_{[1]: The IBM PC-AT was the second generation of IBM PCs. The first generation, although using the same exact plug for the keyboard, did not have compatible keyboard types.}

_{[2]: I’d like to say thanks to Steve Jobs, for if it wern’t for Macs pushing USB, they wouldn’t have become popular on PCs; before that, they were only shipping with maybe one or two plugs plus PS/2 keyboards and mice.}

_{[3]: This is not entirely true. There are a couple USB hard drive enclosures for 3.5″ hard drives that use 2 plugs to get 1 amp, and most 2.5″ drive enclosures run on half an amp (usually) fine. It is considered a bad hack to use the two plug method required by drive enclosures, and I suggest if your enclosure offers the use of an AC adapter, use it.}

For more than a century, the Eastman Kodak Company has been part of our lives, our memories, and our future. Continually pioneering technologies that make the process of taking pictures easier, and the results remarkably better; allowing us all to share the precious moments we tresure, the benchmarks of our lives, with those we love. In fact, many of us fondly refer to those special times as Kodak Moments, gets you misty, doesn’t it?

Yup, they sure shovled on the schmaltz pretty thick, didn’t they? But that kind of crap doesn’t work anymore! People want the latest digital things! More power, more features, wireless contraptions! Innovative ways to bring their pictures into the twenty-first century… well guess what, bucko?! Kodak is doing it!

You thought they were just hiding out, waiting for this digital thing to blow over, didn’t you?! Oh sure, for awhile, they were like, ‘Oh, this digital thing will never catch on!’ Hell, twenty years ago they pawned the first digital camera off on Apple!

But now, Kodak is back! They’re taking this digital thing to a level undreamed of! Pioneering technology that will re-define the digital revolution. I know, big talk for the company that unleashed Advantix onto the world, right? Well, turn down your mini-disc players. fire up your Newtons, and listen up! Because they’re not playing grabass anymore!

They’ve got things in their research labs that’ll make biometrics look like a Happy Meal toy! I’m talking facial recognition, GPS-enabled photography so my camera knows where it is! Pictures that learn and group themselves into stories; we’re talking meta-knowledge. Cameras that automatically enhance the color of the grass, because they know its grass! Try and patent that! Ooooh, too late, haha!

And what about sharing, I’ll tell you about sharing! All your friends and family will be emailing their pictures wirelessly to you, and sending pictures of Grandma’s birthday to your phone, and uploading shots of the dog wearing those big stupid sunglasses to your PDA! And they’re going to be everywhere, because now you won’t have to be a Navajo code-breaker to use digital!

And they’re all going to look like freaking Annie Lebowitz shot ‘em, because they’ll automatically adjusts the lighting and the composition for you! No more flash problems, no more red eye! How’s that for advanced! Booyah!

You know what the best part is? They’re going to turn the schmaltz back up to eleven! Ooooh, yes! People will have their Kodak moments again! They’re going to bring back all those damn pictures of the cute puppies and the cuddly kittens and the cooing babies and that doe-eyed kid, you know the one!

They’re bringing them all back, all in the same spot, and its going to be 15 minutes long and James Cameron will direct it, and Celine Dion will sing the theme song while riding along on a unicorn through a field of baby animals under a big blue sky! And there’s not a damned thing you can do to stop it. You were a Kodak moment once, and BY GOD, you will be one again! Only this time, its digital! Hoo-rah!

Even if Kodak fails, this commercial is still total win. Between the two Apple references (including the Newton one), and the poking fun at their own failed Advantix, even if they fail, people will remember this commercial.

You can all stop laughing now; and for those that didn’t get the joke: Apple and IBM are an item. Apple has been using IBM processors since the switch to PowerPC all those years ago, and Apple will continue to be making Macs with PPCs in them until the end of the universe.

However, lets say Apple does get in bed with Intel, we have two choices. (I’m doubting this will happen, but lets humor the idea)

Behind door number one: Apple is secretly working on a new Newton handheld PDA, and wants to use Intel’s half-way decent XScale embedded CPU series, but continuing to use PPC on their desktops, workstations, servers, and laptops.

Behind door number two: Apple is secretly working on reviving Yellow Box (OpenStep for Windows), and wants to produce really cheap Yellow Box+Windows machines, and wants to use Intel x86 on the equivalent of an x86 Mac.

Now, I doubt number two will ever happen. Yellow Box/Windows is a very bad idea, and runs in the opposite direction OSX is going in; however, if Apple were to get their tendrils into Microsoft, Longhorn (often quoted as being Microsoft’s clone of OSX) might actually get released in my lifetime, and actually rock to boot. And if Windows would quit sucking, and inherit Yellow Box functionality, I’d quit hating Windows.

This, however, brings up GNUstep for Windows. If Windows ends up getting an up-to-date version of Yellow Box from Apple, GNUstep for Windows would not be required anymore as we would have OpenStep on Windows provided by the company who bought out NeXT; but it would also become a threat to Yellow Box.

Of course, being able to build OpenStep apps as native Windows ones is not something GNUstep can do, but Yellow Box will be able to do (and will have to do to avoid rejection and failure); this said, I’d even switch to Yellow Box (for building OpenStep apps on Windows) due to its superior integration efforts by the alternate reality Apple (led by Steve Jobs in a beard).

… So, wait, would that mean the alternate reality me runs Windows, because Linux is under a draconian license, and the Overlords Torvald and Stallman are trying to sue Microsoft (the last bastion of freedom in the world) into the ground?